Submission Guidelines

A friend is currently going through this miserable process, so I thought I’d help out … 😉

 BASTARD & SHARK PUBLISHING  Submission Guidelines for Authors  ● Submissions are less likely to be read towards the end of the    month when our toilet paper supply is running low.  ● Please don't submit the same work to multiple publishers.    When we reject you we want it to really hurt.  ● All submissions should be accompanied by gifts, bribes or     cash inducements.  ● Please identify your genre and submit your manuscript to the     appropriate editor.      - Romance: Phenella Featherbum       (Flowers, chocolates, soft toys.)      - Thrillers: Ronald Thrash-Mangle       (Rare single malt Scotch whiskies.)      - Science Fiction: Daisy Neutron       (Cash, cheques or hot tips on upcoming sports events and races.)      - Fantasy: Norman Cloudpony       (Collectible Star Wars figurines, first edition Harry Potter books.)      - Literature: Bryce Dulfart       (Fan letters, praise or glowing reviews of his 14-volume analysis of the         first page of Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past".)       - New Age: Just bin it. No one reads that shit.       Note: Do NOT send chocolates or foodstuffs to Norman Cloudpony. If that                guy gets any fatter we'll have to find him a bigger office!  ● All manuscripts should double-spaced and printed on one     side of an A4 page. Each page should have ample margins.     The text should be left-justified and presented only in 12pt     Times New Bastard font (available exclusively from our     download page for just $149).  ● Laminated manuscripts are preferred as this makes it easier     to wipe off the vomit.    Note: Do NOT send laminated manuscripts towards the end of the month.  ● Handwritten manuscripts will receive a handwritten     response, namely: Fuck off!  ● Pages should be loose leaf; don't pin, bind or staple them.     However, mid-page perforations are appreciated on     manuscripts submitted in the last weeks of any month.  ● Please be patient. It can take time to fully assess a     manuscript. If you haven't heard from us within a decade,     feel free to send us a friendly reminder.   © Geoff Palmer, 2018

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